It has been a month since my last blog entry and here are my sins. Just kidding, but I am amazed that a whole month has gone by. A month of having someone care for me - what a concept! Someone who cooks me dinner, watches my back, holds me, laughs at my jokes, comforts me when I am sad and so much more that I cannot say here in this blog.
A month that included him getting hurt, getting sick and missing his kids desperately. A month that included my angry teenager, unable to deal with disappointment with her boyfriend, taking it out on me and not wanting anyone else in her life, especially her mother, to have joy. A month that included my latest wish child dying before his wish could be granted. Ouch, that one still grabs my heart. A month that included corporate craziness, changes I don't understand, wondering how it will all turn out.
Do the pluses outnumber the minuses? Is this what life is all about? I truly cherish the wonderful moments that happened this month, Taize prayer service, a trip away with good friends, scrambled eggs and incredible muffins eaten in bed, wow! Meditating with my friend Lynn to send healing to her seriously ill friend.
But the biggest miracle just happened - my new love found an old friend who has been out of my life for 6 years. I sent him an email, hoping against all hope, that he would contact me and he did and I hope it picks up where it left off. It hurts to lose an old friend. He called me by my Italian name Giovanna. I like that. I missed him.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Uneasy day
Today I am in a state of unease. Uneasiness. I let go today of a situation that I cannot comment on here in my blog. I can only say that I struggled with the decision for months/years and today finally executed. And I have sadness about it but I am not asking if it was the right decision. I know it was and sometimes the right decision isn't the easy way out, is it? As usual, daughter Kelly doesn't agree with me as she is used to me taking care of everything always. Why do kids think their parents are superhuman beings? Hard decisions are just that - hard to make and hard to execute on.
The strange thing is the uneasiness, the sadness is bleeding into the whole day.
Even when you feel loved in this world, you feel sadness. I struggle with loving the good things and accepting the difficult things. Is there a cave nearby that I can crawl into and escape this sometimes difficult life?
The strange thing is the uneasiness, the sadness is bleeding into the whole day.
Even when you feel loved in this world, you feel sadness. I struggle with loving the good things and accepting the difficult things. Is there a cave nearby that I can crawl into and escape this sometimes difficult life?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
What's love got to do with it?
The thought occurred to me tonight that when I was young I so feared death that I craved a love that would soothe my fearful soul, that if I could just find a man who loved me with his whole heart, that death would be held at bay.
This worked for awhile but what I didn't realize was that while he could soothe my fearful soul, nothing could prevent death. The death that came was not my own, but my beloved grandmother, grandfather, mother and his grandfather. I realized that love, human love cannot keep death at bay. It will come when it is time for us to go. I let him go when I realized he could not protect me from the pain and heartbreak that death brings us. I only sought after love that could not destroy me when it left me by death or otherwise. Nothing that could penetrate my soul.
Today, a new love is in my life. I know that he cannot save me from death, from loss. I know that he has penetrated my soul already in a short time. He can only give me this moment in time. I am allowing him to give me this moment in time and I treasure each moment, each smile, each embrace, each delicious moment in this lifetime. Life does not hold any guarantees or any promises and this brings me to Jesus Christ.
I realized tonight that my teacher Christ has been with me lockstep my entire life, through my parents untimely deaths, through heartbreak and loss and now when I have love in my life, Christ is standing back. I don't know why. I am not calling on his guidance as often, his support. Why? I need to get down on my knees and thank him for this glorious moment in time. This treasure. Thank you for bringing this love to me today, this moment, this hour, this minute. Thank you. Thank you for the loving friends and family members that I am so blessed to know. Thank you.
This worked for awhile but what I didn't realize was that while he could soothe my fearful soul, nothing could prevent death. The death that came was not my own, but my beloved grandmother, grandfather, mother and his grandfather. I realized that love, human love cannot keep death at bay. It will come when it is time for us to go. I let him go when I realized he could not protect me from the pain and heartbreak that death brings us. I only sought after love that could not destroy me when it left me by death or otherwise. Nothing that could penetrate my soul.
Today, a new love is in my life. I know that he cannot save me from death, from loss. I know that he has penetrated my soul already in a short time. He can only give me this moment in time. I am allowing him to give me this moment in time and I treasure each moment, each smile, each embrace, each delicious moment in this lifetime. Life does not hold any guarantees or any promises and this brings me to Jesus Christ.
I realized tonight that my teacher Christ has been with me lockstep my entire life, through my parents untimely deaths, through heartbreak and loss and now when I have love in my life, Christ is standing back. I don't know why. I am not calling on his guidance as often, his support. Why? I need to get down on my knees and thank him for this glorious moment in time. This treasure. Thank you for bringing this love to me today, this moment, this hour, this minute. Thank you. Thank you for the loving friends and family members that I am so blessed to know. Thank you.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
From Crone to . . . .
When I started this blog, I felt that I had become a wizened crone, the older woman with all the knowledge to dispense to the younger women in my life - my daughters, my friends. My friends laughed at me and shook their heads, you are still so vibrant and alive, how can you say that? I thought I was successful at creating the veil or wall around my heart.
Today I went to a new church, not my church of birth and watched folks carry cardboard signs that read one thing on the front of the board about something they had overcame and the reverse showed how with God's help, they were able to work through their pain. One woman held a sign that said, I used to have a wall around my heart protecting me from heartbreak. The reverse said, with God's help, my heart is healed and loving.
Today my heart is open and I find that this can only have been achieved with God's divine help. I did not consciously open my heart. I did pray to God for health and happiness. God answered me. Let me know a true heart I asked? He answered with a true heart. When I feel loved by the beloved, I am more loving to you, all of you.
Some people want to throw fear in the mix - what if? what if? protect your heart - don't let anyone in. Can you overcome the foreseeable heartbreak coming, they ask? Are you sure you want to do this thing? I can only say that this month has brought me more happiness, more love than I have had in years and if I only had this one month of love, than it is enough for now.
Today I went to a new church, not my church of birth and watched folks carry cardboard signs that read one thing on the front of the board about something they had overcame and the reverse showed how with God's help, they were able to work through their pain. One woman held a sign that said, I used to have a wall around my heart protecting me from heartbreak. The reverse said, with God's help, my heart is healed and loving.
Today my heart is open and I find that this can only have been achieved with God's divine help. I did not consciously open my heart. I did pray to God for health and happiness. God answered me. Let me know a true heart I asked? He answered with a true heart. When I feel loved by the beloved, I am more loving to you, all of you.
Some people want to throw fear in the mix - what if? what if? protect your heart - don't let anyone in. Can you overcome the foreseeable heartbreak coming, they ask? Are you sure you want to do this thing? I can only say that this month has brought me more happiness, more love than I have had in years and if I only had this one month of love, than it is enough for now.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Bailey Boy and Mr. Bristol
This past week when I couldn't sleep I remembered how I acquired my two favorite dogs and how much love they gave and have given me. For some reason I kept waking up at 3:00 am and started remembering to help me fall asleep and with each dog, I fell asleep before the end of the story.
Mr. Bristol or Sir Harvey Bristol was our cocker spaniel from 1980 - 1996, a very long time for a cocker spaniel. He was such a handsome dog that our vet begged us not to fix him and to stud him out. We did once I think and we never did fix him but he was still very mild mannered and gentle which is interesting for a male dog. Ray created a video montage of all Julia's baby videos up until now and it breaks my heart to see Mr. Bristol a wizened old dog. I remember my friend Mark who was deathly afraid of dogs, just loving Bristol, comparing him to an old man. He called him Einstein and maybe he was. There is an author who talks about the Seat of the Soul - Gary Zukov, I think and he once spoke about animals being part of a pack mentality or pack soul mentality but every once in a while comes an animal who is just about to reincarnate into a man and you can tell by looking into their eyes how soulful they are and it's much more than that. Bristol is a person right now, I'm sure and he will be a special one for sure.
And now for Bailey - Bailey's Irish Creme - see the link to Bristol. Kelly came up with that link because I really wanted to name him Tator Tot because Pugs are notoriously couch potatoes. Bailey has been special from the moment we laid eyes on him. And he was born on Mother's Day to boot. He is also a gentle soul. Last week when I walked him at the beach, he walked over to a man and sat on his feet. Bailey never notices other people or dogs -he only has eyes for us usually and I thought this strange but when I talked with the man, I realized, it was no coincidence. The man has lost his pug, Wise Guy, a couple of years ago and couldn't bring himself to replace him. Bailey is around the same age as the dog he lost. Bailey went up to this man at least 4 times and I said, see that's a sign, time to get a new puggie.
Mr. Bristol or Sir Harvey Bristol was our cocker spaniel from 1980 - 1996, a very long time for a cocker spaniel. He was such a handsome dog that our vet begged us not to fix him and to stud him out. We did once I think and we never did fix him but he was still very mild mannered and gentle which is interesting for a male dog. Ray created a video montage of all Julia's baby videos up until now and it breaks my heart to see Mr. Bristol a wizened old dog. I remember my friend Mark who was deathly afraid of dogs, just loving Bristol, comparing him to an old man. He called him Einstein and maybe he was. There is an author who talks about the Seat of the Soul - Gary Zukov, I think and he once spoke about animals being part of a pack mentality or pack soul mentality but every once in a while comes an animal who is just about to reincarnate into a man and you can tell by looking into their eyes how soulful they are and it's much more than that. Bristol is a person right now, I'm sure and he will be a special one for sure.
And now for Bailey - Bailey's Irish Creme - see the link to Bristol. Kelly came up with that link because I really wanted to name him Tator Tot because Pugs are notoriously couch potatoes. Bailey has been special from the moment we laid eyes on him. And he was born on Mother's Day to boot. He is also a gentle soul. Last week when I walked him at the beach, he walked over to a man and sat on his feet. Bailey never notices other people or dogs -he only has eyes for us usually and I thought this strange but when I talked with the man, I realized, it was no coincidence. The man has lost his pug, Wise Guy, a couple of years ago and couldn't bring himself to replace him. Bailey is around the same age as the dog he lost. Bailey went up to this man at least 4 times and I said, see that's a sign, time to get a new puggie.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Tweet tweet tweet
Isn't it interesting how we are all communicating with each other via the various technologies available to us, such as Facebook, MySpace, Linkedin, Twitter? I watched Mark update his status every couple of minutes and had to laugh - who was reading all of this? How inane is our world but then it prevents us from getting into these long winded conversations but still able to update people we know with what is happening in our lives. I think I like it, I think I don't like it. I don't know.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Taize Prayer
We're on this spiritual path this year and one of the suggestions Gretchen made was to attend the monthly Taize prayer service at Mercy Center. It was so beautiful, I cannot even properly describe it. The church was all dark when we entered, only lit by candlelight. The cross was laying on the alter not on the wall. There were harps, violins, piano and elderly nuns chanting. The church filled up to it's capacity. Voices joined into the chanting along with the nuns.
I recalled when I was 7 and making my first communion. I sat in the darkened church, only lit by candlelight, I had just finished my first confession and sat in complete silence, protection and as close to God as I have ever been in my life. It was pouring rain outside and I never wanted to leave. Last night brought up that memory. As close to God as I can be.
In the middle of the session, everyone got in line and went up to lay their forehead on the cross to unburden their fears. Diane pushed me, go on, go up at the very beginning so I followed Gretchen and Joe but soon learned that every single person in the church must do this. It's not like communion where only some take communion. I felt that the entire congregation went up to the cross. As the line finally shortened, Diane tapped me and said, do you want to go up again? I thought, what? go up again? why? as only a good Catholic girl would say, right because we only take communion once but I knew that Diane needed moral support to do this so I went and when I got up there, I realized that in my first pass, I forgot Kyle. I sighed and said, oh yes Lord, that's why I'm here again. thank you.
The other thought I had was this - women get it. The Nuns didn't need the pomp and circumstance of a formal mass to worship, to prayer, just chanting, light and the Lord. And guess what? there were a lot of men in attendance.
I recalled when I was 7 and making my first communion. I sat in the darkened church, only lit by candlelight, I had just finished my first confession and sat in complete silence, protection and as close to God as I have ever been in my life. It was pouring rain outside and I never wanted to leave. Last night brought up that memory. As close to God as I can be.
In the middle of the session, everyone got in line and went up to lay their forehead on the cross to unburden their fears. Diane pushed me, go on, go up at the very beginning so I followed Gretchen and Joe but soon learned that every single person in the church must do this. It's not like communion where only some take communion. I felt that the entire congregation went up to the cross. As the line finally shortened, Diane tapped me and said, do you want to go up again? I thought, what? go up again? why? as only a good Catholic girl would say, right because we only take communion once but I knew that Diane needed moral support to do this so I went and when I got up there, I realized that in my first pass, I forgot Kyle. I sighed and said, oh yes Lord, that's why I'm here again. thank you.
The other thought I had was this - women get it. The Nuns didn't need the pomp and circumstance of a formal mass to worship, to prayer, just chanting, light and the Lord. And guess what? there were a lot of men in attendance.
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