When did I first recognize love?

This is a contest for Real Simple magazine and the question is so thought provoking to me. We don't know what love is when we are children and we don't know what love is when we are adolescents, overcome with hormones and think we really love that cute boy sitting next to us. And love isn't necessarily about a romantic relationship.

Love is the way my grandfather took care of my grandmother when she suffered from dementia. He took care of her with patience and understanding, never raised his voice. He died just 4 months after her.

Love is the way my uncle devoted every Sunday afternoon to my mother after my dad died, going over her household bills, even though he had his own young family. He was the person I called first when her mental illness took hold. I was amazed that he wept at my Aunt's funeral and said how much he missed my mom and now would miss his other sister. I thought he took care of my mom because of obligation, I learned differently that day. He saw through her illness and self-medication to the dynamo she was inside.

Love is the faithfulness of a beloved dog who struggled to get to his feet to greet his master just one last time as he was dying.

Has it really been a year?

I haven't written in a year or more - wow! My life has taken twists and turns and some of those twists have not been in my best interest and some have. I am learning how to cope with someone else's addiction and find it is an additional layer of stress that I'm feeling my way through. There are days when I forget as the addiction takes a back seat for a long stretch of time and there are days when the addiction may rear it's ugly head and all I can is shake my head and watch the implosion. I hear the term "co-dependent" and you don't want to be that person and so you have to take the 12 steps seriously and the first step - I cannot control anyone else's behavior is probably the one that most applies. You just have to sit back and watch the train wreck and then pick up the survivors. Enough of that - new post.

Roller Coaster life

This afternoon I feel a strange, unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I think it has something to do with mortality, my mortality. I've had a slew of doctor's appointments, some just annual tests we have to take as we age and some a result of a symptom uncovered during one of the annual tests and one due to a gross rash that suddenly appeared shortly before my birthday.

I take each appointment as it comes and don't hold it in worrying about it. I usually release it immediately. I've worried more in the past few weeks about the fact that I did or did not have mud and snow tires on my new SUV.

In my life, usually things settle down and resolve themselves, like this crazy rash but my retina doesn't seem to be behaving. Now I have to go to a Retinal specialist, yet another appointment and I felt strangely fearful in the doctor's office. I had to tell myself that he was talking about my eyes, not someone else's eyes and that this will progress and I don't know how long it takes to progress and it's too early to ask that question until I have all these other tests done. I felt tears coming to my eyes. Have I been in denial about this when everyone around me, John, Mark and Doug all have admonished me to see a doc, not a strip mall Optometrist. I usually let things lie in God's hands and what will be, will be, but in this case, I have to be proactive and seek the treatment I need. I wonder, if the Optometrist had never noticed this macular dystrophy, would I just merrily move along my life with my excellent 20/20 vision? Never knowing what lurks in the future?

I was reminded that I am mere mortal with mere mortal organs and that life does not go on merrily but gets more trying as we age and we just have to move past the trials the best we can.

Gee, what is around that next corner I wonder? Life has been more joyful in the last few months, more surprising and scarier. You get all kinds of challenges in life, good and bad. I'm rambling now.

Synchronosity

Did I spell that correctly? not sure, it's late and I should be in bed but find myself antsy tonight. The sychronosity bug bit me again this past week and everytime it does, it shocks me. My "woo woo" friends would say that it is "meant to be" but I am always a bit surprised.

For example, I've been wanting to go to the new Academy of Sciences and my love John took me there on Friday but two days before we went, I received an email from an old co-worker of mine, John, who is now Telecomm manager there. I could hardly believe my eyes at seeing his signature line. My John and I enjoyed the museum, the passes old co-worker John left us and I enjoyed the conversation I had with John, former co-worker. I was able to share with him how thankful I was for a chance lesson he taught me.

Many years ago - at least 12 years, I learned a powerful lesson from John, my former co-worker. He and I took a side trip to Sedona while we were attending a conference in Scottsdale, we stopped in the local ice cream shop to get an ice cream cone. We were waiting patiently in line for our cones (it was at least 100 degrees in Sedona that day - ugh!) when a man walked in and demanded to be waited on because he was next in line, he didn't realize we were all in queue waiting for cones. He started yelling, cursing and screaming at the poor woman behind the counter when John, my co-worker, walked over and apologized to him and offered to buy him a cone. When John offered him that cone, the man looked around, noticed the people and the line, and started apologizing profusely and offered to buy us our cones. John completely diffused this man's anger. I was amazed. Instead of being defensive, John understood and calmed the man, making everyone feel calm again. I'll never forget that and it even stops me from becoming impatient or defensive in that position myself as we can all misjudge a situation because we are not being aware of our surroundings.

But why did John come into my life at this juncture I wonder? Did he need to hear my thankfulness for his lesson or did I need to receive his passes??? I don't think it was the passes because it was a quiet day.

Second synchronosity: Daxa came to tell me about a sad phone call from Carol she had this past week. I felt bad and wished I could comfort Carol in some way, offer words of comfort and encouragement and suggested to Daxa that we get together with her as quickly as possible. But, lo and behold, when I went to get my massage at Indian Springs this past Saturday for my birthday, who was sitting out in front with her husband Joe but our sweet Carol. I was able to give her a hug and Joe some kind words and I felt some relief at doing that.

Thank you Jesus, for putting them in my path this weekend. I know your hand is in both of these circumstances, helping me make peace, healing and amends where needed. Why you step in is always a wonder to me though and why.

Spring has sprung

I want to be happy and joyful that spring has sprung but I find myself tired, achy, hard-pressed to be joyful today. My head is headachy. My house needs cleaning up and clearing out. I bought a new car out of necessity but worry that I made the wrong choice. Will it have enough get up and go? My neck hurts. This is a whine fest today. I will have to drop this now and pray, that is the only thing that can save me, I know this in my heart and soul.

Love continues

Okay, after I logged off I realized that I haven't written about the love that started last year, July 2009 to be exact. I am now past the honeymoon phase and into the real relationship phase with all the exciting, wonderful stuff and all the sad and loony stuff and I continue to learn new things about him and new things about me in how I relate and trust him. It's funny how we idealize everything in the beginning, okay, so it's hormones or something like that, but I am too old to have hormones wanting to find a man to propagate the species, right? But passion exists into your later years I am finding and that is a good thing, well maybe not for your hips?

It's like a life lesson that I should have had many years ago and am now just having where someone loves me and I trust and believe that love. For so many years I just kept this heart in check, it was easier to be alone and then I wouldn't get hurt or feel sad when that person was gone. Every day it is a risk to love and when you are in love, the risk is worth it. How do you keep on loving with the risk? Tell me. It is so scary. I keep looking into the future and have to step back because I only have today. It isn't really a zen thing to me. When you lose an important relationship like a parent when you are young or your own child, something changes in you that you know someone you love can be snatched away in a moment. Even love can be lost when you didn't expect it because you weren't seeing or reading the other person wisely when you should have, you just trusted. Oh my.

Finally a post in 2010

It's March 4, 2010 and this is my first post in the new year. What is up with that? Every day I hear myself tell someone in my life at the end of the day - I am so tired. Why are we all so tired? Why do we all have hurt backs or depression or anxiety? Is it because there is so much going on? Even when I meditate and do the labyrinth in the same day, I am still stressed. I asked the witch doctor for some anti-anxiety pills and got them but debate taking them now that I have them. A little bit of stomach knots but otherwise seem to make it through the day. What will these crazy pills do to my wacky system? The Witch doctor thinks that maybe they will keep my slightly rising blood pressure under wraps. Hope so. Lord, I pray for your divine guidance and direction - this can't just be old age, can it?

Weary Christmas season

So tired tonight. Have accomplished some Christmas shopping and notice that most people are not in the happy holiday mood this year. Every party seems tarnished by an underlying sadness or is it me? Friends who are normally "gung ho" during the holidays seem to be pushing themselves to get into the holiday spirit. I wish that it were possible to take a pass once in awhile. I remember a cousin one year calling me and saying that she was too depressed to do Christmas, and could I do the holiday dinner? I did, it was lovely. She went to her bed for Christmas. That idea really appeals to me this evening. I should take to my bed this Christmas and dialog with the angels! John and Yoko weren't all wrong, they took to their bed and gave Peace a chance. What better way to celebrate Christmas this year!

On a more positive note, I do love hearing from old friends during the holidays, there is something about picking up the phone or dropping a line that is very satisfying.

Bah Humbug - Hallelujah

Not facing this holiday season with good thoughts. If it could only be about the celebration of the birth and life of Jesus Christ, but it isn't. And guess what, I helped create this commercial view of Christmas in my own home. There was something so inviting about doing the whole magical Santa tree thing with all the presents and filled socks. Trying to make up for what I felt was lacking in my own childhood but what I didn't realize was that what I remember most clearly about Christmas growing up was the people. The grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all merry, laughing and breaking bread together. It was more about the gathering of clan and the sharing of food that was special. The gifts? not really. How can I correct what I created? How can I make these daughters of mine appreciate what is really important? Neither has even presented a wish list to me this year which means they really have all that they need. (Having said this, as a new teacher Kelly doesn't really make the salary to afford all that she needs in this expensive California) Any ideas?

A Miracle!!

It has been a month since my last blog entry and here are my sins. Just kidding, but I am amazed that a whole month has gone by. A month of having someone care for me - what a concept! Someone who cooks me dinner, watches my back, holds me, laughs at my jokes, comforts me when I am sad and so much more that I cannot say here in this blog.

A month that included him getting hurt, getting sick and missing his kids desperately. A month that included my angry teenager, unable to deal with disappointment with her boyfriend, taking it out on me and not wanting anyone else in her life, especially her mother, to have joy. A month that included my latest wish child dying before his wish could be granted. Ouch, that one still grabs my heart. A month that included corporate craziness, changes I don't understand, wondering how it will all turn out.

Do the pluses outnumber the minuses? Is this what life is all about? I truly cherish the wonderful moments that happened this month, Taize prayer service, a trip away with good friends, scrambled eggs and incredible muffins eaten in bed, wow! Meditating with my friend Lynn to send healing to her seriously ill friend.

But the biggest miracle just happened - my new love found an old friend who has been out of my life for 6 years. I sent him an email, hoping against all hope, that he would contact me and he did and I hope it picks up where it left off. It hurts to lose an old friend. He called me by my Italian name Giovanna. I like that. I missed him.

Uneasy day

Today I am in a state of unease. Uneasiness. I let go today of a situation that I cannot comment on here in my blog. I can only say that I struggled with the decision for months/years and today finally executed. And I have sadness about it but I am not asking if it was the right decision. I know it was and sometimes the right decision isn't the easy way out, is it? As usual, daughter Kelly doesn't agree with me as she is used to me taking care of everything always. Why do kids think their parents are superhuman beings? Hard decisions are just that - hard to make and hard to execute on.

The strange thing is the uneasiness, the sadness is bleeding into the whole day.

Even when you feel loved in this world, you feel sadness. I struggle with loving the good things and accepting the difficult things. Is there a cave nearby that I can crawl into and escape this sometimes difficult life?

What's love got to do with it?

The thought occurred to me tonight that when I was young I so feared death that I craved a love that would soothe my fearful soul, that if I could just find a man who loved me with his whole heart, that death would be held at bay.

This worked for awhile but what I didn't realize was that while he could soothe my fearful soul, nothing could prevent death. The death that came was not my own, but my beloved grandmother, grandfather, mother and his grandfather. I realized that love, human love cannot keep death at bay. It will come when it is time for us to go. I let him go when I realized he could not protect me from the pain and heartbreak that death brings us. I only sought after love that could not destroy me when it left me by death or otherwise. Nothing that could penetrate my soul.

Today, a new love is in my life. I know that he cannot save me from death, from loss. I know that he has penetrated my soul already in a short time. He can only give me this moment in time. I am allowing him to give me this moment in time and I treasure each moment, each smile, each embrace, each delicious moment in this lifetime. Life does not hold any guarantees or any promises and this brings me to Jesus Christ.

I realized tonight that my teacher Christ has been with me lockstep my entire life, through my parents untimely deaths, through heartbreak and loss and now when I have love in my life, Christ is standing back. I don't know why. I am not calling on his guidance as often, his support. Why? I need to get down on my knees and thank him for this glorious moment in time. This treasure. Thank you for bringing this love to me today, this moment, this hour, this minute. Thank you. Thank you for the loving friends and family members that I am so blessed to know. Thank you.

From Crone to . . . .

When I started this blog, I felt that I had become a wizened crone, the older woman with all the knowledge to dispense to the younger women in my life - my daughters, my friends. My friends laughed at me and shook their heads, you are still so vibrant and alive, how can you say that? I thought I was successful at creating the veil or wall around my heart.

Today I went to a new church, not my church of birth and watched folks carry cardboard signs that read one thing on the front of the board about something they had overcame and the reverse showed how with God's help, they were able to work through their pain. One woman held a sign that said, I used to have a wall around my heart protecting me from heartbreak. The reverse said, with God's help, my heart is healed and loving.

Today my heart is open and I find that this can only have been achieved with God's divine help. I did not consciously open my heart. I did pray to God for health and happiness. God answered me. Let me know a true heart I asked? He answered with a true heart. When I feel loved by the beloved, I am more loving to you, all of you.

Some people want to throw fear in the mix - what if? what if? protect your heart - don't let anyone in. Can you overcome the foreseeable heartbreak coming, they ask? Are you sure you want to do this thing? I can only say that this month has brought me more happiness, more love than I have had in years and if I only had this one month of love, than it is enough for now.

Bailey Boy and Mr. Bristol

This past week when I couldn't sleep I remembered how I acquired my two favorite dogs and how much love they gave and have given me. For some reason I kept waking up at 3:00 am and started remembering to help me fall asleep and with each dog, I fell asleep before the end of the story.

Mr. Bristol or Sir Harvey Bristol was our cocker spaniel from 1980 - 1996, a very long time for a cocker spaniel. He was such a handsome dog that our vet begged us not to fix him and to stud him out. We did once I think and we never did fix him but he was still very mild mannered and gentle which is interesting for a male dog. Ray created a video montage of all Julia's baby videos up until now and it breaks my heart to see Mr. Bristol a wizened old dog. I remember my friend Mark who was deathly afraid of dogs, just loving Bristol, comparing him to an old man. He called him Einstein and maybe he was. There is an author who talks about the Seat of the Soul - Gary Zukov, I think and he once spoke about animals being part of a pack mentality or pack soul mentality but every once in a while comes an animal who is just about to reincarnate into a man and you can tell by looking into their eyes how soulful they are and it's much more than that. Bristol is a person right now, I'm sure and he will be a special one for sure.

And now for Bailey - Bailey's Irish Creme - see the link to Bristol. Kelly came up with that link because I really wanted to name him Tator Tot because Pugs are notoriously couch potatoes. Bailey has been special from the moment we laid eyes on him. And he was born on Mother's Day to boot. He is also a gentle soul. Last week when I walked him at the beach, he walked over to a man and sat on his feet. Bailey never notices other people or dogs -he only has eyes for us usually and I thought this strange but when I talked with the man, I realized, it was no coincidence. The man has lost his pug, Wise Guy, a couple of years ago and couldn't bring himself to replace him. Bailey is around the same age as the dog he lost. Bailey went up to this man at least 4 times and I said, see that's a sign, time to get a new puggie.

Tweet tweet tweet

Isn't it interesting how we are all communicating with each other via the various technologies available to us, such as Facebook, MySpace, Linkedin, Twitter? I watched Mark update his status every couple of minutes and had to laugh - who was reading all of this? How inane is our world but then it prevents us from getting into these long winded conversations but still able to update people we know with what is happening in our lives. I think I like it, I think I don't like it. I don't know.

Taize Prayer

We're on this spiritual path this year and one of the suggestions Gretchen made was to attend the monthly Taize prayer service at Mercy Center. It was so beautiful, I cannot even properly describe it. The church was all dark when we entered, only lit by candlelight. The cross was laying on the alter not on the wall. There were harps, violins, piano and elderly nuns chanting. The church filled up to it's capacity. Voices joined into the chanting along with the nuns.

I recalled when I was 7 and making my first communion. I sat in the darkened church, only lit by candlelight, I had just finished my first confession and sat in complete silence, protection and as close to God as I have ever been in my life. It was pouring rain outside and I never wanted to leave. Last night brought up that memory. As close to God as I can be.

In the middle of the session, everyone got in line and went up to lay their forehead on the cross to unburden their fears. Diane pushed me, go on, go up at the very beginning so I followed Gretchen and Joe but soon learned that every single person in the church must do this. It's not like communion where only some take communion. I felt that the entire congregation went up to the cross. As the line finally shortened, Diane tapped me and said, do you want to go up again? I thought, what? go up again? why? as only a good Catholic girl would say, right because we only take communion once but I knew that Diane needed moral support to do this so I went and when I got up there, I realized that in my first pass, I forgot Kyle. I sighed and said, oh yes Lord, that's why I'm here again. thank you.

The other thought I had was this - women get it. The Nuns didn't need the pomp and circumstance of a formal mass to worship, to prayer, just chanting, light and the Lord. And guess what? there were a lot of men in attendance.

9-1-1

In her usual manner, Julia posed question after question about my father's death to better understand what happened. As I tried to explain the events of the day as I best remembered them, she asked me in frustration, why didn't anyone call 9-1-1? And it occurred to me that 9-1-1 didn't exist back then. I thought that most likely an ambulance or a coronor's wagen came but that we didn't have 9-1-1. It came as a shock to me that things that have been created or invented are just taken for granted, as if these things were always available to us. How many other things have been created in our lifetimes that we just accept? I'm not talking the big obvious things like cell phones, the internet, video's but the small things like 9-1-1, trauma teams, EMTs - when and how did all of this come to be?

Interesting enough, the next night on ER, they had a character that played the man who invented the system and brought trauma teams in. I wondered how much of this was true but if there was one person who really started this, God bless him and every other person who comes up with these ideas.

Synchronosity

Is this how you spell it? Not sure. Thinking that this could be called mini-miracles or glimpses of faith. Do you ever put something out there in the universe or whatever you want to call it and it happens? Friend applied to graduate schools. Another friend not connected calls me to go to lunch (first time in 8 years), drives down to Foster City and at the end, when I ask her about her son, says he's now admissions director at one of the schools my other friend applied to and he sent me an email the very next day. And who put it out in the universe - was it me? was it the friend? I don't know. I just know that it happens. One time I thought in my mind, I just want to read a book about St. Francis that was not written by the Catholic Church, unbiased. That Sunday, the front page of the pink section in the Chronicle featured St. Francis and listed all books about him, and noted those books not written by the church. I was mystified but did buy and read one or more of the books. San Francisco, St. Francis. I was born in the city of St. Francis. How fitting, how miraculous.

God must have spent a little more time on you

Heard this old NSync song on the radio driving home tonight from Di's house and I remembered how when I first heard it, I thought it was so beautiful and it made me think of one of my sister-in-laws who I just had talked to on the phone.

At the time, I thought she was definitely one of those people that God had spent more time on but reflecting back on it now, I think that all of my sister-in-laws are people that God spent alittle more time on. Penny and the tremendous love she has for her family, Diane and her easygoing but loving ways, accepting everyone and being open to everyone - so admire that quality in her, Karen and her caring/giving ways to her family and friends, her ability to get in and do the work, the volunteering, whatever needs to be done and lastly Sherry, whom I've spent years meditating with. I don't know her as well but I do know one thing, my brothers have picked the most wonderful women in the world. I love them all so much and we in the family are fortunate to have these people that God spent more time on. These courageous women, mothers, sisters, friends, daughters, wives - they are truly the best.

The Whole of Life

The start of 2009 is certainly a topsy-turvy of strong emotions. As I flew home from London, I watched a movie about a ghost of a husband who is trying to help his wife from beyond by connecting her with this dentist. It was appropriate to see flying home from London as the dentist is a Brit and the wife is American. Do the airlines think of things like this? The movie was entertaining but what I came away from the movie was this lovely little song by John Mayer. It strikes me that I like a lot of his songs - "Say", "Daughters", "Free Falling" and this song "The Heart of Life" that played at the end of the movie. It's lyrics so fit what I see around me. Julia downloaded it from iTunes for me and I listen to it now as I write.

A couple of weeks ago, my cousin Vince lost his little Pug Olive on my Aunt Rose's 85th birthday. Olive was a rescue that he had for a year and he was only getting her regular innoculations. An innocuous thing to do on a bright Saturday morning. You'd never expect that by nightfall, you heart would be full of pain, would you? My heart broke for him and his sister Jeanne, as they tried to be cheerful for their mom on her birthday.

This past week we celebrated the inauguration of Barack Obama into the presidency. The country was filled with emotion, awe, amazement - we were and are the most united I can remember Americans being since the Kennedy days. We will all remember where we were when the inauguration happened. As for Scratchy and me, we were in a vendor meeting from 8-10 a.m. - geez, what terrible timing!

But back to the song and the touching lyrics. I watch my daughter Julia struggle with the up's and down's of first love and loss and my heart breaks for her. I never realized when I had my daughters that you would suffer with them their losses of love. For some crazy reason, I thought that this was a private matter for them with their boyfriends, husbands, etc. I didn't know my heart would break along with theirs. I've seen it with my friends and their daughters too. All you think about is that little baby in your arms but as they grow, they are an extension of you and their joy is your joy, their pain is your pain.

Anyway as I think of Vince, Julia and Barack Obama, the lyrics strike me even more. "Pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around" "No, it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good". Joy does return to us eventually after our hearts break open. Sometimes it takes longer than it should, I know.

Pray with me that the heart of this year 2009 will be good.