This is a contest for Real Simple magazine and the question is so thought provoking to me. We don't know what love is when we are children and we don't know what love is when we are adolescents, overcome with hormones and think we really love that cute boy sitting next to us. And love isn't necessarily about a romantic relationship.
Love is the way my grandfather took care of my grandmother when she suffered from dementia. He took care of her with patience and understanding, never raised his voice. He died just 4 months after her.
Love is the way my uncle devoted every Sunday afternoon to my mother after my dad died, going over her household bills, even though he had his own young family. He was the person I called first when her mental illness took hold. I was amazed that he wept at my Aunt's funeral and said how much he missed my mom and now would miss his other sister. I thought he took care of my mom because of obligation, I learned differently that day. He saw through her illness and self-medication to the dynamo she was inside.
Love is the faithfulness of a beloved dog who struggled to get to his feet to greet his master just one last time as he was dying.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Has it really been a year?
I haven't written in a year or more - wow! My life has taken twists and turns and some of those twists have not been in my best interest and some have. I am learning how to cope with someone else's addiction and find it is an additional layer of stress that I'm feeling my way through. There are days when I forget as the addiction takes a back seat for a long stretch of time and there are days when the addiction may rear it's ugly head and all I can is shake my head and watch the implosion. I hear the term "co-dependent" and you don't want to be that person and so you have to take the 12 steps seriously and the first step - I cannot control anyone else's behavior is probably the one that most applies. You just have to sit back and watch the train wreck and then pick up the survivors. Enough of that - new post.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Roller Coaster life
This afternoon I feel a strange, unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I think it has something to do with mortality, my mortality. I've had a slew of doctor's appointments, some just annual tests we have to take as we age and some a result of a symptom uncovered during one of the annual tests and one due to a gross rash that suddenly appeared shortly before my birthday.
I take each appointment as it comes and don't hold it in worrying about it. I usually release it immediately. I've worried more in the past few weeks about the fact that I did or did not have mud and snow tires on my new SUV.
In my life, usually things settle down and resolve themselves, like this crazy rash but my retina doesn't seem to be behaving. Now I have to go to a Retinal specialist, yet another appointment and I felt strangely fearful in the doctor's office. I had to tell myself that he was talking about my eyes, not someone else's eyes and that this will progress and I don't know how long it takes to progress and it's too early to ask that question until I have all these other tests done. I felt tears coming to my eyes. Have I been in denial about this when everyone around me, John, Mark and Doug all have admonished me to see a doc, not a strip mall Optometrist. I usually let things lie in God's hands and what will be, will be, but in this case, I have to be proactive and seek the treatment I need. I wonder, if the Optometrist had never noticed this macular dystrophy, would I just merrily move along my life with my excellent 20/20 vision? Never knowing what lurks in the future?
I was reminded that I am mere mortal with mere mortal organs and that life does not go on merrily but gets more trying as we age and we just have to move past the trials the best we can.
Gee, what is around that next corner I wonder? Life has been more joyful in the last few months, more surprising and scarier. You get all kinds of challenges in life, good and bad. I'm rambling now.
I take each appointment as it comes and don't hold it in worrying about it. I usually release it immediately. I've worried more in the past few weeks about the fact that I did or did not have mud and snow tires on my new SUV.
In my life, usually things settle down and resolve themselves, like this crazy rash but my retina doesn't seem to be behaving. Now I have to go to a Retinal specialist, yet another appointment and I felt strangely fearful in the doctor's office. I had to tell myself that he was talking about my eyes, not someone else's eyes and that this will progress and I don't know how long it takes to progress and it's too early to ask that question until I have all these other tests done. I felt tears coming to my eyes. Have I been in denial about this when everyone around me, John, Mark and Doug all have admonished me to see a doc, not a strip mall Optometrist. I usually let things lie in God's hands and what will be, will be, but in this case, I have to be proactive and seek the treatment I need. I wonder, if the Optometrist had never noticed this macular dystrophy, would I just merrily move along my life with my excellent 20/20 vision? Never knowing what lurks in the future?
I was reminded that I am mere mortal with mere mortal organs and that life does not go on merrily but gets more trying as we age and we just have to move past the trials the best we can.
Gee, what is around that next corner I wonder? Life has been more joyful in the last few months, more surprising and scarier. You get all kinds of challenges in life, good and bad. I'm rambling now.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Synchronosity
Did I spell that correctly? not sure, it's late and I should be in bed but find myself antsy tonight. The sychronosity bug bit me again this past week and everytime it does, it shocks me. My "woo woo" friends would say that it is "meant to be" but I am always a bit surprised.
For example, I've been wanting to go to the new Academy of Sciences and my love John took me there on Friday but two days before we went, I received an email from an old co-worker of mine, John, who is now Telecomm manager there. I could hardly believe my eyes at seeing his signature line. My John and I enjoyed the museum, the passes old co-worker John left us and I enjoyed the conversation I had with John, former co-worker. I was able to share with him how thankful I was for a chance lesson he taught me.
Many years ago - at least 12 years, I learned a powerful lesson from John, my former co-worker. He and I took a side trip to Sedona while we were attending a conference in Scottsdale, we stopped in the local ice cream shop to get an ice cream cone. We were waiting patiently in line for our cones (it was at least 100 degrees in Sedona that day - ugh!) when a man walked in and demanded to be waited on because he was next in line, he didn't realize we were all in queue waiting for cones. He started yelling, cursing and screaming at the poor woman behind the counter when John, my co-worker, walked over and apologized to him and offered to buy him a cone. When John offered him that cone, the man looked around, noticed the people and the line, and started apologizing profusely and offered to buy us our cones. John completely diffused this man's anger. I was amazed. Instead of being defensive, John understood and calmed the man, making everyone feel calm again. I'll never forget that and it even stops me from becoming impatient or defensive in that position myself as we can all misjudge a situation because we are not being aware of our surroundings.
But why did John come into my life at this juncture I wonder? Did he need to hear my thankfulness for his lesson or did I need to receive his passes??? I don't think it was the passes because it was a quiet day.
Second synchronosity: Daxa came to tell me about a sad phone call from Carol she had this past week. I felt bad and wished I could comfort Carol in some way, offer words of comfort and encouragement and suggested to Daxa that we get together with her as quickly as possible. But, lo and behold, when I went to get my massage at Indian Springs this past Saturday for my birthday, who was sitting out in front with her husband Joe but our sweet Carol. I was able to give her a hug and Joe some kind words and I felt some relief at doing that.
Thank you Jesus, for putting them in my path this weekend. I know your hand is in both of these circumstances, helping me make peace, healing and amends where needed. Why you step in is always a wonder to me though and why.
For example, I've been wanting to go to the new Academy of Sciences and my love John took me there on Friday but two days before we went, I received an email from an old co-worker of mine, John, who is now Telecomm manager there. I could hardly believe my eyes at seeing his signature line. My John and I enjoyed the museum, the passes old co-worker John left us and I enjoyed the conversation I had with John, former co-worker. I was able to share with him how thankful I was for a chance lesson he taught me.
Many years ago - at least 12 years, I learned a powerful lesson from John, my former co-worker. He and I took a side trip to Sedona while we were attending a conference in Scottsdale, we stopped in the local ice cream shop to get an ice cream cone. We were waiting patiently in line for our cones (it was at least 100 degrees in Sedona that day - ugh!) when a man walked in and demanded to be waited on because he was next in line, he didn't realize we were all in queue waiting for cones. He started yelling, cursing and screaming at the poor woman behind the counter when John, my co-worker, walked over and apologized to him and offered to buy him a cone. When John offered him that cone, the man looked around, noticed the people and the line, and started apologizing profusely and offered to buy us our cones. John completely diffused this man's anger. I was amazed. Instead of being defensive, John understood and calmed the man, making everyone feel calm again. I'll never forget that and it even stops me from becoming impatient or defensive in that position myself as we can all misjudge a situation because we are not being aware of our surroundings.
But why did John come into my life at this juncture I wonder? Did he need to hear my thankfulness for his lesson or did I need to receive his passes??? I don't think it was the passes because it was a quiet day.
Second synchronosity: Daxa came to tell me about a sad phone call from Carol she had this past week. I felt bad and wished I could comfort Carol in some way, offer words of comfort and encouragement and suggested to Daxa that we get together with her as quickly as possible. But, lo and behold, when I went to get my massage at Indian Springs this past Saturday for my birthday, who was sitting out in front with her husband Joe but our sweet Carol. I was able to give her a hug and Joe some kind words and I felt some relief at doing that.
Thank you Jesus, for putting them in my path this weekend. I know your hand is in both of these circumstances, helping me make peace, healing and amends where needed. Why you step in is always a wonder to me though and why.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Spring has sprung
I want to be happy and joyful that spring has sprung but I find myself tired, achy, hard-pressed to be joyful today. My head is headachy. My house needs cleaning up and clearing out. I bought a new car out of necessity but worry that I made the wrong choice. Will it have enough get up and go? My neck hurts. This is a whine fest today. I will have to drop this now and pray, that is the only thing that can save me, I know this in my heart and soul.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Love continues
Okay, after I logged off I realized that I haven't written about the love that started last year, July 2009 to be exact. I am now past the honeymoon phase and into the real relationship phase with all the exciting, wonderful stuff and all the sad and loony stuff and I continue to learn new things about him and new things about me in how I relate and trust him. It's funny how we idealize everything in the beginning, okay, so it's hormones or something like that, but I am too old to have hormones wanting to find a man to propagate the species, right? But passion exists into your later years I am finding and that is a good thing, well maybe not for your hips?
It's like a life lesson that I should have had many years ago and am now just having where someone loves me and I trust and believe that love. For so many years I just kept this heart in check, it was easier to be alone and then I wouldn't get hurt or feel sad when that person was gone. Every day it is a risk to love and when you are in love, the risk is worth it. How do you keep on loving with the risk? Tell me. It is so scary. I keep looking into the future and have to step back because I only have today. It isn't really a zen thing to me. When you lose an important relationship like a parent when you are young or your own child, something changes in you that you know someone you love can be snatched away in a moment. Even love can be lost when you didn't expect it because you weren't seeing or reading the other person wisely when you should have, you just trusted. Oh my.
It's like a life lesson that I should have had many years ago and am now just having where someone loves me and I trust and believe that love. For so many years I just kept this heart in check, it was easier to be alone and then I wouldn't get hurt or feel sad when that person was gone. Every day it is a risk to love and when you are in love, the risk is worth it. How do you keep on loving with the risk? Tell me. It is so scary. I keep looking into the future and have to step back because I only have today. It isn't really a zen thing to me. When you lose an important relationship like a parent when you are young or your own child, something changes in you that you know someone you love can be snatched away in a moment. Even love can be lost when you didn't expect it because you weren't seeing or reading the other person wisely when you should have, you just trusted. Oh my.
Finally a post in 2010
It's March 4, 2010 and this is my first post in the new year. What is up with that? Every day I hear myself tell someone in my life at the end of the day - I am so tired. Why are we all so tired? Why do we all have hurt backs or depression or anxiety? Is it because there is so much going on? Even when I meditate and do the labyrinth in the same day, I am still stressed. I asked the witch doctor for some anti-anxiety pills and got them but debate taking them now that I have them. A little bit of stomach knots but otherwise seem to make it through the day. What will these crazy pills do to my wacky system? The Witch doctor thinks that maybe they will keep my slightly rising blood pressure under wraps. Hope so. Lord, I pray for your divine guidance and direction - this can't just be old age, can it?
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