Today I am in a state of unease. Uneasiness. I let go today of a situation that I cannot comment on here in my blog. I can only say that I struggled with the decision for months/years and today finally executed. And I have sadness about it but I am not asking if it was the right decision. I know it was and sometimes the right decision isn't the easy way out, is it? As usual, daughter Kelly doesn't agree with me as she is used to me taking care of everything always. Why do kids think their parents are superhuman beings? Hard decisions are just that - hard to make and hard to execute on.
The strange thing is the uneasiness, the sadness is bleeding into the whole day.
Even when you feel loved in this world, you feel sadness. I struggle with loving the good things and accepting the difficult things. Is there a cave nearby that I can crawl into and escape this sometimes difficult life?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
What's love got to do with it?
The thought occurred to me tonight that when I was young I so feared death that I craved a love that would soothe my fearful soul, that if I could just find a man who loved me with his whole heart, that death would be held at bay.
This worked for awhile but what I didn't realize was that while he could soothe my fearful soul, nothing could prevent death. The death that came was not my own, but my beloved grandmother, grandfather, mother and his grandfather. I realized that love, human love cannot keep death at bay. It will come when it is time for us to go. I let him go when I realized he could not protect me from the pain and heartbreak that death brings us. I only sought after love that could not destroy me when it left me by death or otherwise. Nothing that could penetrate my soul.
Today, a new love is in my life. I know that he cannot save me from death, from loss. I know that he has penetrated my soul already in a short time. He can only give me this moment in time. I am allowing him to give me this moment in time and I treasure each moment, each smile, each embrace, each delicious moment in this lifetime. Life does not hold any guarantees or any promises and this brings me to Jesus Christ.
I realized tonight that my teacher Christ has been with me lockstep my entire life, through my parents untimely deaths, through heartbreak and loss and now when I have love in my life, Christ is standing back. I don't know why. I am not calling on his guidance as often, his support. Why? I need to get down on my knees and thank him for this glorious moment in time. This treasure. Thank you for bringing this love to me today, this moment, this hour, this minute. Thank you. Thank you for the loving friends and family members that I am so blessed to know. Thank you.
This worked for awhile but what I didn't realize was that while he could soothe my fearful soul, nothing could prevent death. The death that came was not my own, but my beloved grandmother, grandfather, mother and his grandfather. I realized that love, human love cannot keep death at bay. It will come when it is time for us to go. I let him go when I realized he could not protect me from the pain and heartbreak that death brings us. I only sought after love that could not destroy me when it left me by death or otherwise. Nothing that could penetrate my soul.
Today, a new love is in my life. I know that he cannot save me from death, from loss. I know that he has penetrated my soul already in a short time. He can only give me this moment in time. I am allowing him to give me this moment in time and I treasure each moment, each smile, each embrace, each delicious moment in this lifetime. Life does not hold any guarantees or any promises and this brings me to Jesus Christ.
I realized tonight that my teacher Christ has been with me lockstep my entire life, through my parents untimely deaths, through heartbreak and loss and now when I have love in my life, Christ is standing back. I don't know why. I am not calling on his guidance as often, his support. Why? I need to get down on my knees and thank him for this glorious moment in time. This treasure. Thank you for bringing this love to me today, this moment, this hour, this minute. Thank you. Thank you for the loving friends and family members that I am so blessed to know. Thank you.
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